Dear Elim Grace,

Today my wife, Alissa, and I celebrate 23 years of marriage. Milestones in life can serve as a good “overlook”. A pause from which you can reflect and appreciate how far you’ve come. So I’ve been thinking and looking back on the decisions that have proven pivotal for our life together.

1. We bought a house

We got engaged in March of 2000, I moved to Oswego in May, and we got married that October. I never left. I tried. I thought the perfect opportunity would come and make it clear Oswego was a stop along the journey. Instead, the opportunity to buy our home presented itself. I knew then what I see now: if we bought that house it meant we were putting down deep and, most likely, permanent roots. 

So we did and here we are. It turned out it was the perfect opportunity and I wouldn’t trade the boundaries or pull up the roots of our dwelling for anything in the world. And that’s because we got more than a house.

I don’t think a good, solid, healthy, and loving marriage can grow on its own. Rather, a husband and a wife need a PEOPLE to be a home not only a place. When I married my son Joshua and his wife Hayley, one of the things I said to them was that at their wedding they were making a commitment not only to one another but to everyone present. As those present had been a part of their lives up until then (and by their presence were committing to continue), so now Joshua and Hayley were also committing to being a healthy part of their lives and to seeking their flourishing. If you’re not sowing together into people’s lives, and if you’re not allowing others to sow into your lives, you can’t grow.  

2. We entered foster care

As many of you know, the size of family I had in mind in our early years of marriage was two children. Today we have six. Four of our own, one through adoption and a baby through foster care. The decision to foster was more spontaneous than planned. We filled an emergency situation and welcomed a teenager into our home and family. He didn’t stay long. But long enough. 

Foster care represented a call to Alissa and I. And where there is a call there is a sacrifice. But not only for us. We wanted to lead our children and family into a life of sacrificial service. While the call to parents is to protect and to provide for their children first, that must also include the family character development of sacrificial service and generosity towards others. Can we do this if we never extend beyond ourselves to others? If extending ourselves to others never involves a sacrifice on our part? Individuals who live for themselves can become parents who live for themselves who then have children who live for themselves.

Foster care may not be for everyone, but everyone who lives to Christ will live a life called to sacrificial service towards others. If a husband and wife have children, then leading their family to live beyond their family is both a responsibility and a delight. A sure pathway to a fruitful and abundant life.

Within a few days of the decision to take in our foster baby boy back in early January, again I knew what it meant. It meant adopting him if given the chance. It meant giving up a season of life without children, a season with only Alissa. But, to be honest, we didn’t give it a second thought. We’ve already given up our lives to Jesus, and the joy we know because of it—because of Him—is deeper than we could ever imagine. 

3. We chose each other

There isn’t one big specific decision to point to this. Rather it’s a million small decisions made over 23 years. A marriage isn’t built on large expensive gifts or once-in-a-lifetime vacations. It’s built in the moments between. A million moments where you choose one another. When you honor one another. When you put one another first. When you love one another. When you serve one another. When you prefer one another. When you forgive one another. When you pray for one another. When you listen to one another. When you lay down your life for one another.

When you’re greatest delight is in bringing delight to your spouse, when your greatest joy is in the joy of your spouse, and when your greatest freedom is in serving your spouse, then you’re well on your way to sowing and reaping the life of Christ. Because ultimately only what is done in Christ and for Christ will remain. And only what remains or abides in Christ is abundant and beautiful beyond anything and any life this world has to offer.

If you seek a good marriage, then seek Christ first. If you seek Christ first, then you will find in Him a good marriage that can grow fruitful within any boundary and stay rooted throughout every season. To seek Christ first is not to sacrifice your spouse, but to daily see, seek, choose, and treasure your spouse as they really are: a precious gift from God to you.

Pastor Jonathan