Dear Elim Grace,

Jonathan and I have been parents for 24 yrs. We have children ranging from 23 to 2 1/2 years old. Our oldest is married with our first grandchild. As part of those 24 years, we have been foster parents for 10 plus years. We have adopted one and will soon adopt our second.  Additionally, I (Alissa) have been baby sitting since an early age, which brings my experience with children close to 40 years. (What!) All that being said, parenting is hard. There are significant challenges to be navigated.

Here is the fourth of six of those challenges.

Challenge #4 – Parenting the behavior vs. Parenting the heart

In 1 Samuel 16:7 we read, “But the Lord said to Samuel Do not look at his appearance or at the height of  his stature because I have rejected him; for God does not see as man sees, since man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Early on in my parenting, the temptation was to correct the behavior.  If you do this, I do this. As a result, I considered myself a good parent because, for the most part, my kids were well-behaved in public.

There was a time then in my parenting when I was a young mom with 3 little kids. I had a moment in public, and I decided it was time for me to take my kids home.  They weren’t in trouble; they weren’t being terrible; they were being kids. But I just knew it was time to go home.  Fast forward in the day a bit and my kids are down for a nap. I’m in the rush of trying to get as much done as possible before nap time ends. And I felt God interrupt my plans and confront me. “Why did you leave? Did you leave because that was best for your kids, or did you leave because you felt embarrassed by them?”

What is the difference between parenting the behavior and parenting the heart? Parenting the behavior is about parenting out of embarrassment and bringing shame. Parenting the heart is about redeeming a situation and capturing the heart.

Navigating Principle: Capture the heart and you’ll correct the behavior; correct the behavior and you risk losing or breaking the heart

Remember that discipline is for the sake of the child needing discipline, not for the sake of an audience. I discipline for their benefit, not anyone else’s. Once a teacher wanted to know how I was going to discipline my child for something that occurred in school. I told them it was none of their business! My parenting was not for them. Because, again, the intention or heart of discipline is to redeem and restore, not to shame and humiliate.

Dear parent, remember. Jesus didn’t come to make you a more moral person; He came to make you a NEW person! He doesn’t want your behavior most of all; He wants your heart. If He has your heart, He’ll have your behavior. Let’s seek to parent the heart in the love God has for us.

Alissa