“Can I see your phone?”

Imagine if your teenager or young adult asked you, their parent, this question. What would you feel? What would you say? What would you do?

Would you get angry? Defensive? Nervous? Fearful, even?

Would your first thought be, “They can’t see that… They can’t read that.”

Or would your first thought be, “There’s nothing on here I don’t want them to see or read. There’s nothing on my phone I’m hiding from anyone.”

As parents, we (should) make diligent practice of monitoring our children’s devices. For many good reasons. We insist on transparency and accountability. But who insists on it from us?

At times when we’re together, my teenagers have developed the practice of picking up my or Alissa’s phone. They’ll scroll through our texts, messages, social media posts and pictures. At first, they were curious about what we were doing on our phones. Because, admit it or not, as parents we’re on our phones as much as our children. But later they took an interest in what we were doing with our time and lives. In how we were living our lives on our device. Online.

Alissa will tell you that when they started doing this, it was annoying. Our reaction was, “My phone is private.” But is it? Or is it more private than their phones?

From the beginning, Alissa and were convinced of one thing more than anything. Consistency of character was the greatest thing we could give our children.

I’m not one kind of dad at church and a different kind at home.

Alissa is not one kind of mom at church and a different kind at home.

I’m not one kind of husband in public and another in private.

Alissa is not one kind of wife in public and another in private.

And our consistency of character is as valuable to our children in the real world as it is in the virtual world.

Parents may not agree with me on this, but what we do on our phones and with our phones should be open to our teenagers and young adult children. There should be nothing that must remain hidden because of fear it would unmask a lack of character in us. If they ask, we should be ready, willing, and able to give them our phone.

Dear Elim Grace, hypocrisy is a bigger threat than transparency in the home. As Christian parents, we are called to be the light of Christ to our children. To walk in that light. To live in that light. As Jesus is “so also are we in this world.” (1 John 4:17) This has deep spiritual meaning and wide practical application.

Don’t be afraid. Give them your phone.

(To be clear, there are confidential conversations with sensitive information that we have and should have with others. This is part of friendship. Of ministry. Of trust. These should not be shared nor viewed by our children regardless of their age. We should not betray nor break confidence or trust. Ever.)

Pastor Jonathan