PART 5: The day I knew I really loved him

When I saw him, I loved him. How could I not. He was this perfect little baby boy. Having been born 7 weeks early, he was a peanut. So at two and a half weeks old, lying in that NICU bassinet, he looked as though he had just arrived. Our first few days of late night feedings, skin-to-skin contact, talking to him – doing all the newborn things – were just about perfect.

As I was fully engaged in creating a bond with this baby (necessary for his development), I was actively wrestling with myself and God over it. “How can I give him back?” At the beginning of foster care, you don’t really know how long a placement will stay. They may have family or a family friend that comes forward to help.  You know they can’t be with their parents for a bit, but DSS is still working to locate family or friends. So it could be days, weeks, months, years, forever – you never really know. All I knew was that I was crying every quiet moment I had with him at the thought of him leaving.

We were in the middle part of the third day and I was sitting on my staircase holding him, crying (I guess I’m a big crier now) and praying, “Lord, how am I supposed to give myself fully over to loving him, knowing I may have to give him back?” It was one of the times in my life I heard God speak to me so clearly it was almost audible and I will never forget it. He said, “Can you love him with all that you are, even if you can’t control the outcome? What if all I have you doing is loving him and giving him a foundation of love that he will take with him for all of his days? What if your only job is to pour yourself out, so he knows I’ve poured myself out for him and have always been with him? Will you build his foundation?  Will you love him with all you are?” As I looked at his perfect face and these words rolled around in my heart and mind, it was through tears (see I told you I’m a crier now) that I answered the Lord and Levi, “I will love him with all that is in me, regardless of the outcome.” It was that day that the song, “Firm Foundation,” became his life’s theme song and lullaby. I sang him this song daily, more times than I could ever count.  

As time passed and I was given the gift of watching him grow, my prayer became, “Lord, I know the heart of foster care is to reunify families. I’m all about that mission, but I’m begging you, if he’s not able to return to his mom, please keep him here forever. I can’t hand him over to anyone but her.” He didn’t answer me this time, I think mostly because he had already established I wasn’t in control. 😂

Fast forward a bit. Levi had been having a hard time sleeping. He had night terrors that started at an early age (like 4 months old), but this time it was different. It was seperation anxiety like none of our other babies had and he only had it at night when it was dark. We were in the car one day and “Firm Foundation” came on. Little Levi (23 months old) touches his ear and says, “Dada, you hear it?” He recognized his song, was immediately smiling and trying to sing it. From that day on, anytime he went to bed we would sing “Firm Foundation” and it would play on his speaker all night long on repeat. The night terrors decreased, his separation anxiety left (with a few rare exception)s. 

He is now officially an Evans. While his adoption has been finalized, we don’t just stop trusting God with his life and his future. Like all of our other kids, we have to recognize that while he and they are “ours,” they are all actually HIS and we are simply tasked with loving them, raising them, walking with them as they grow, and, hopefully, cultivating a relationship that can withstand letting them go on their own when the time is right. Stewards of a gift, not owners. Hopefully with him and the others we’ve done a good job (though not perfect) of laying a Firm Foundation.